Gilbert O'Mercury

Don't do this.

Don't rummage through the box in the back of your closet and brush off the guilty-secret copy of The Best of Gilbert O'Sullivan that you've hidden there so as not to lose the love and respect that your friends and family have for you.

And if you do it anyway, even though I told you not to, don't put it into your CD player and select track six, Alone Again (Naturally).

And if you do that anyway, even though I told you not to, don't decide, when the words start, that it would be more fun to sing, not the words "In a little while from now..." but instead the words and melody to the first verse of Bohemian Rhapsody, "Mama, just killed a man..."

And if you do that anyway, even though I told you not to, and destroy forever your ability to enjoy one of the best songs ever written (you do know which one I mean, don't you?), don't blame me.

Because I told you not to.